It’s been awhile since I’ve last written a piece for my blog, but they say that if you love something, you’ll never truly leave it. It’s like an itch, that sooner or later I would come back to pouring my thoughts and feelings into the vast expanse of a google document. Also it’s just a time of big transitions in my life, and I’m not entirely sure how I’m feeling, but it always seems like by the time I finish writing a blog, somehow the loose ends of my thoughts wrap up somewhat nicely.
So main transitions going on right, is one, moving to Japan, and two, moving to adulthood. After landing at Haneda airport I took the train to the station nearest to my new apartment. I was sitting on the train, gripping my luggage, looking around, and I just had this really strange feeling. It felt like very familiar moment, millions of colorful advertisements fighting for my attention, and me, staring hazily trying to decipher what they’re trying to sell me in my jet lagged state. But at the same time everything felt really foreign, and I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I was feeling that way. I stared outside the window watching the landscape woosh by and in my head I felt like it was very, Japanese-poi, or Japanese like. But it didn’t feel entirely like I was here in Japan either.
It’s been a few days since then, and even now I still feel occasionally disoriented. There hasn’t been a decisive moment where I’m like, “yup I’m in Japan now” even though all the cues are screaming that I am no longer in America. Moving to a new country is tough, but right now what I think I’m having the most trouble with is coming to grips with adulthood.
It’s not really any particular aspect of it, moving to a new apartment, not seeing friends, going grocery shopping, cooking, working, figuring what to do with my spare time, I’ve done all of those things before, but still nothing has ever felt so final as it feels now. You know, like this time it’s for real. And that I think is what scares me the most. That when fall rolls around I won’t see my friends, there’s no winter break for me to bum around at home, and also just the realization that everyone is diverging living their own separate lives. That no matter how much effort you put in to things to keep in touch, and no matter how well your efforts are rewarded, it will never quite be the same anymore. And that too, scares me.
Everything is so unfamiliar. Maybe it just takes time. We all get thrust into adulthood, and maybe the truth is that no one is ever quite ready for it. Maybe it’s a matter of treading water now and eventually a sense of normalcy will return. And hopefully even though things won’t ever be the same again, that the new doors that open will be as much, if not more, enthralling.
