Sometimes I get in this funk where I’m constantly apologizing.
I bump into a desk. “Sorry.”
Someone’s waiting for me to finish filling my water bottle. “Sorry.”
Someone’s makes a joke about something I did. “Sorry.”
I have a question I need to ask. “Sorry.”
And I hate it. I like to think that I’m a genuine person. For the most part I’ll tell it like it is. I have my own set of values that I feel are important to adhere to. I am chaotic good.
But recently I’m dropping apologies at every chance I get, and I’m pretty sure 90% of the time I'm not actually sorry about what I did. The insincerity makes me feel gross when I’ve realized what’s happened and it made the times when I’m actually sorry mean so much less.
And I can’t help it. It’s like a reflex right now. Anything negative that comes up makes my throat tickle and cough up an apology.
I think it has to do with where I feel like I sit on my mental totempole. When I’m at Olin and with other students, I feel like I’m an equal. When I’m at Olin and with my professors, I feel like I’m an equal. When I’m at Olin, I feel like other people will take me seriously (or not seriously cause I’m haha funny).
This summer I’m the intern. I’m sitting pretty low on my mental totempole. I keep quiet because I don’t feel like my opinions are as valued. I work extra hard on writing down my opinions and supporting facts before I open my mouth. I raise my hand like a freaking highschooler. I feel like I need a solid wall behind me to push against when people are dismissive because ‘you’re just the intern’. And at some point I’ve adopted that mentality, I’m just the intern. It feels awful.
So yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m in this rut. “Sorry” is actually short for “sorry I’m the intern but,”.
Hopefully I’m going to curb this nasty habit soon. I’m not actually sorry.
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